Theater is a beautiful thing. It can help people. It can teach people. It can change people; for good and for bad. I do theater because I believe in it. I believe in its transformative qualities. I believe in the process. I believe in the importance of collaborative creation. I don't do it because its glamorous or because it will make me rich, because it isn't and it won't. I love working with other creative beings. In the past year, I have met some of the most brilliant, passionate, COMpassionate, talented and kind people I've ever come across. True artists, and at the same time, truly lovely humans. They have helped me find my footing in a competitive world and have improved my quality of life just by being themselves. I am grateful. I don't tell them enough. Today, I will start. Unfortunately, this realization comes from experiencing the opposite extreme.
Today, I saw the opposite of what makes theater beautiful. Today, was the first day EVER that I hated my job. Today, I saw someone who has done much good in their life turn and let everything ugly about this art form take hold in a tyrannical fit. It was as offensive as it was fascinating. I am a notoriously high-strung person. But I am consistently ONLY high strung. I don't flip out. I don't get to that point. Ever. Today brought me pretty close. My professional integrity was brought into question along with my education, my commitment to my work and my competency. What gets me is that I have bent over backwards for this specific project. I have rearranged my life to fit this in. In the end, I was left speechless and confused and wondering what to do.
So I went to people much wiser than I, and received some of the best insight I've ever gotten: The ego is a powerful thing in the theater. It can help create electrifying moments in performance. It can promote a tireless work ethic. It can strike both admiration and fear in the hearts of those that encounter it. But there is also a very dark side to the ego. It can create doubt and fear and anger in people - even people that originally meant to do good. The same elements that create excellence are the ones that spawn arrogance and destroy creativity.
I can't attest to the intentions of this individual. But I can say that I've learned from this experience. I have seen exactly what I don't want to be, both personally and professionally. I have seen the ugliest of what theater creates. I thought my day was completely ruined.
And then I went to my performance of Bare. And all things beautiful were re-validated. I was surrounded by supportive, creative, and caring people. People that have worked together to achieve a common goal. This is what good theater is about. And this is what I will continue to strive for. No matter the obstacles. I will strive to do good.
These are the things I've learned today. I've always prided myself in my desire to learn something new everyday, and today, it became painfully clear that some lessons are harder to take than others. Sometimes, a job has to be just a job. And sometimes you just have to sit and play the piano for the paycheck. Awful, and disgusting, but its a part of life. Let the people you care about know that you care about them. Have integrity. Stand up for what you believe in; even if it is difficult and scary. And at the end of the day, remember that tomorrow is brand new.
Off to bed. Never, ever beige.
Hand-hugs and three squeezes.
A
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