You know how people sometimes say "well, that came out of left field"? Well, this week didn't come out of left field. It came from about 1200 miles to the east. And I was not prepared. And it doesn't help that I have this lovely habit of worrying about things to the point that I give myself ulcers.
Lets back up. I'll give you an overview.
I teach voice lessons. I love this job. I used to think that I love performing more than anything in the world. Now teaching musical theater is giving the whole "smell of the greasepaint/roar of the crowd" fix a run for its money. I never thought that I would enjoy the education path, and while I don't think I would fare well in a traditional classroom setting, the one-on-one is loverly as is working in the context of rehearsals.
I am music directing Zombie Prom for a local high school. This was another job that I was wary about in the beginning but has slowly grown on me to the point that I care deeply about the kids in the show and I feel incredibly committed to them and their experience with me.
I am acting. This weekend, I perform in the first staged reading of a musical called "Deal Dammit" which is a really clever show about a group of people living in Minnesota in the mid 1900's. It has been a really fantastic opportunity for me to witness the creative process in action, not to mention that the other actors involved are not only incredible performers, but also are delightful to work with.
All in all, my life is pretty stable considering the state of disaster it could be in having just graduated from college. My future was solidifying as well. My grad school choices are narrowed down, I have been accepted into the programs. I was looking into finding apartments near the campuses. Everything was going so smoothly.....
AND THEN IT HAPPENED.
I came face to face with what normally would have been my dream. A national tour. An eight month contract for a national tour. And not an acting gig. A music directing gig. Too good to be true, right? I KNOW. But there it was, right in front of me. I can't really give any more specifics than that, because no decisions have been made and no one has been hired as of yet, but you'd think that I would at least have been happy to be presented with the opportunity.
WRONG.
Okay. I was speechless for about ten seconds. And then I was ecstatic for two seconds. And since then, I've spent the last forty eight hours feeling sick to my stomach. My life is planned. I am settled. I have jobs. Plural. I have commitments. I have people in my life that need me and I need them in return. How the hell am I supposed to pack up and leave everything virtually immediately? I am going to grad school for performance in less than a year. Performance. Not direction. How did my life take a turn in a direction without me even noticing? I hate this feeling. Because I know that if I get "lucky" and get the call, there is no way I can say no. And in taking this job, my career path will be, without a doubt, changed forever.
I have never felt such mixed feelings before this. I was borderline incapacitated through everything I did today. I had no appetite. I can't sleep. I can't even do something mindless like watch TV. I never thought I would react this way to the opportunity of a lifetime. Its so easy to say that if this type of job came along, I would have no problem dropping everything to take it. But now that I have to actually consider this, I am convinced it is not that easy. At this point, I have no idea what my future holds. And for now, I'll just have to deal.
Stay tuned.
A
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