AUDITIONS ARE DUMB.

I hate auditioning. I could legitimately end this post right now and you would have a pretty clear idea of what I am about to expound upon.

I have heard all of the arguments about this. The fact that there is not currently a more effective way for casting directors to see and evaluate talent. The concept that an audition is a performance and that is how the actor should approach it, thus removing the extraneous nerves that come with it. The fact that there will always be more auditions. The idea that the auditors are not looking for the person with the most talent, they are looking for who is "right". I could go on and on.

The worst part is that I am 100% guilty of spewing these vicious lies to my students. I coach dozens of singers every month for auditions, performances, juries, etc, and yet I still cannot get past the reality that, when you submit yourself to an audition, you are ultimately going there to be judged on your worth. Its the equivalent of going on a date and having the date give you the once over before telling you to that you can go and "dont call me, I will call you." WHY DO I DO THIS?

You might ask yourself why this sudden animosity towards the hiring process. I had two auditions today. One was on Skype and it was one of the most degrading experiences of my life. I sang my first song, and then they asked for another. Both went fine. Then the people on the audition panel proceeded to move off camera to discuss what they had just heard. Now I am not sure if this was their first time using Skype as a medium for auditions, but just because I cannot see you does not mean that I cannot HEAR you. Yes, that is right. I could hear every single word that was spoken. While most of the commentary was refreshingly positive, the fact that I was being discussed like a piece of meat was one of the most horrifying realizations of my short (and getting shorter by the minute) career. I am the product. Me. I think I took this especially hard because I am a singer. Its not like a trumpet player or pianist in that you can put your instrument down and walk away from it. My voice is an integral part of who I am and training it is an immensely personal journey that can be both joyous and traumatizing.

I was pampered in school in the fact that every audition I did was for people that had known me for months if not years. They knew my passion. They knew my work ethic. They knew my product. At school, there was a hierarchy and a check and balance system. People who did not get certain roles could usually expect to get some other form of compensation later on. In the post-school world, there is no balance. If you are the best, you get the gig. At the second audition, I knew almost everyone there. All of them are top notch performers and can be seen on regional stages regularly. While I am honored and humbled to audition alongside these individuals, it is also a daunting task to walk into the room and sing after someone who you basically idolize has just walked out.

A singing actor hones his craft by studying privately, by taking classes, by watching others, through trust, through honesty, with determination and with humility. I would venture to say that I love what I do. Some days (like today) I question that. Today, I asked myself time and time again whether musical theater was something that I truly loved or if it is just something that I am good at. Or maybe it is both. I pour everything I have into my work. I come home exhausted every day from rehearsal because I left my heart and soul on the stage and in the rehearsal studio. And when I go to auditions, I leave it all out there. And the very concept that someone can look at you and deny you the opportunity to do what you love is, to me, heartbreaking.

It sounds very cliche, but to me, this form of expression is like breathing. It is not a coincidence that the word inspiration has two different but very connected definitions. In anatomical terms, inspiration is the taking in of air into the lungs. A process that needs to occur to keep the body alive. The other is the arousal of the mind to creativity. It is the combination of these two concepts that define how I work. They are two different things and yet one and the same. When I sing, I am alive. That is the only way I know how to explain it. When I help others find this quality in their own lives, it is the most rewarding experience I have had the privilege of knowing. I have seen singing bring unity, peace, comfort, and understanding. Why would I ever want to stop doing that?

Throughout the course of writing this entry, I have had an epiphany of sorts. I need to keep the bigger picture in mind. I am blessed to be surrounded by people who not only understand my unquenchable passion for expression, but share it as well. They graciously remind me that it is not what I do that counts, but who I am. It is so easy to get these two things blurry and blended, and all too often we find ourselves defined by what we do. Yes, I sing. But there is so much more to me than that.

Thus, the sun will come out tomorrow.

I cannot believe I just quoted that show.

Until next time.

Tenderly,
A